Learning to live again

Going to talk from the heart about emotional abuse. In Australia the term mental and emotional abuse is defined as not to cause mental harm. Wow paint that with a big brush. So let me tell you what it is like as I am getting closer to our one year mark out of direct abuse.
Now if you have been reading my blog you would have caught on to a bit here and there of what we are still going through to this day. These types of abuse a small and not always out in the open. In fact sometimes you can make excuses for the actions of the other person. For example, she always says I am bad with money cause I one times paid too much off a bill and we had no pocket money when we needed it. You can also seek there approval after doing something like cleaning as it might not be her clean so you have to get it checked first. Yes it seems small and not that big of an issue but that is how it can start. I have had to put one of my daughters in her place when she said to me one time “come on dad you know you have always been bad with money” these statements are told by the other party to a lot of people by cutting you down and taking away a small piece of you in everyone’s eyes. Other things that can be said are “better give me the date cause ……… Has a brain like a siv.
Over time telling you that certain people are not good for you can be abusive if you are not allowed to have friends that don’t fit into the other person’s rules. The TV while seems somewhat strange to have a issue around can be very large. Never allowed to watch shows that you enjoy if that person is there, the remote becomes a ” mine” item and you can’t touch it, if by some strange chance you get to choose they leave once it is something you like.
You can see that little bit by little bit what might seem like control based issues are building to be abusive issues if they are compounded. For me the other person in the end was going to suicide prevention classes and trying new ways to cause stress at home like calling my parents to tell them I am a horrible person. Do something’s enough and people begin to believe.
You can look at a rough stone in a stream over time it too will get worn.
I have been finding it hard to find me on respect cause somewhere along the way the old me was put in a box to try to please the other person. BTW that never works,  person who abuses in this manner never is able to see the good in you no matter what you have done or do. As I was saying I’m learning to be someone new cause I am now not able to return to who I was cause that person is in a box in my mind buried so deep that finding that person is not easy to do let alone pickup where I once was. In some ways fire can be a blessing part to ones self. Mind you it is your right to make that fire not another person’s right to do so. 
So I am learning to find friends and reconnect with old ones it is very hard with new friends I am finding out I still end up looking at myself thinking am I doing this right, hope I don’t fuck this or that up in some way. You have been conditioned to think and respond that way to win the other person who if you are lucky is out of your life.
I am learning and trying to get over the new feeling being shy. Which if people that have known me for sometime this is snot a normal behaviour for me. I hope I was able to describe what the abuse for me was like. Have a good day.

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