I was Allen Over Robins, unhappy angry at living a life that I could not feel happy about. I have always loved my choices in life when it came to my three youngest children and my oldest Step Daughter. I made a lot of mistakes but protecting Ally was not one of them. I am going to walk away from it all to allow Ally to live for once. I am sure there is some magic that is going to follow.
Hello I am Ally, I love Allen and all that he did for me and the love he had for me. The days that followed the magical moment where Allen stepped away was one of the saddest days of our little families life. But the magic that started to flow with the honesty and good people was and is something that is so very hard to describe. I would relive in a second to be where we are right now at this time.
I don’t think I was really ready to see all the changes that were about to take place after Allen said goodbye. Our life was like a little ship tossed at sea. Trying to learn how to act like a dignified woman instead of some rebellious child. There was the first days when the medication started to stop the noises. Oh the noise of the world to which played in the background of the darkness of the shadows to which I had to hide in was enough to make anyone cry out. But I look back now and see the smiles on my face as I started to evolve out of shadow, just so you know it takes a long time. There were bad choices in people along the way. I had to learn about a new community and good people who became close friends. The names of the ones who left as Allen walked away at like the sands of time and will be forgotten….
As time started to change my mind I began to see the beauty of love and forgiveness in a light that had never been there before I even found it in my heart to forgive my own mother. I also had to learn the lesson of betrayal of loved ones. But all that did was build a strong bond with my remaining children that hugs and kisses cannot even explain. I started to seer the beauty of the world where I was once lost in the simplicity of it. I saw the colours of the world in ways that must have been like a child seeing the world for the first time. Ahh the smells of life also changed I started to noticed the smells of people from across the road as I passed by them as I drove. Even learning about the taste of food began to surprise me. I started to noticed my desire to be artistic had become an overwhelming force that allowed me to put pen to paper and write my first published book the Shadow of Ally (2016).
I had to learn that boobs while a defining part of womanhood I was not really ready for, the door a few times saw to that. I was not ready for the rush of the hormones that would change my reaction to what should have been normal events TV commercials where the worst thing in the world. I did find a solution to those, I turned off the TV. I started to see that with the hormones and my reactions to people was a bit hard to get used to. I was very concerned that my attraction to men was going to change. As with some people that is a very big chance, but as a blessing for me it did not.
Oh then there was Hair I was not really ready for those changes. All the past in Allen’s life he hated having hair. To some point that was my
fault I can’t stand body hair, eww. But I had two learn about hair styles and taking good care of my hair that was a challenge as well. I also stopped listening to people who said they were advocates for Transpeople but when the hammer fell they were only
self-serving their own pocketbooks plus a bit of 15 seconds of fame. That was a very sad lesson I had to learn. I watched reactions to women make more and more sense to a point that it was normal to feel the way I always did. But with that came some huge blessings with the great friendship that followed. I am still very much blessed that the core of 4 stayed in my life. Those 5 friends made my walk from the shadows one of love and kindness.
The other physical changes that were talked about started to be come a reality with the connection between sex and attraction. Sadly I start to find out that I knew nothing about the world that I had entered. I had to give up on a few friends here and there. Many tears were also had that a long term relationship became very poisonous as the court procedures advanced. But as I look back on the two years I have changed in so many ways I don’t even know what it was like to look at the mirror and see the Angry man looking back at himself yet knowing his heartache that lied deep down inside. Would I change anything, I can say with a strong and resounding voice No. I am happy now and I am Me……..
Good luck to you. that took a lot of courage. Everything after this will seem easy. A life transformation is a step you can’t change back from, not that you want to, but you will be discovering new pieces of yourself for a long time.