Yesterday a friend lost his battle…….
So, in memory of my friend I want to talk about what my depression looks like.
I was six years old when things start not to feel right about looking at my body. It did not add up, I shrugged it off at times. I was about 10 when those feelings started to really cause problems. I started to hate what I saw in the mirror in, fact it did not get better until I started taking hormones. But that is a different issue. I was 12 the first time I told someone about what was going on and it did not go well. As a result I recoiled and started a path of being anti-social and that about 6 to 7 years later resulted me in starting to take drugs and drink. I really did not know or understand why I kept feeling so much chaos in my life.
I never thought I would ever meet a person who would take advantage of a persons depression. But I did and I suffered a bit at the hands of that person. But once again not knowing what was really going on with my own issues. My Dysphoria was going crazy about the time of the birth of my son Gabriel. So I was seeing a friend who suggested that I talk to a doctor about all that was going on. So i did and for about 3 years I was on anti-depressants. I was okay with that they calmed some of my hatred from my body. But like I said I had this person in my life that started to play mind games. At one point telling me that the Anti-depressants weren’t working and I needed to stop. I trusted this person so I stopped taking them. But then all the problems with my Gender Dysphoria came rushing back in but this time 10x worse than what they were with the pills. I also started to withdraw from friends and family as well. But then this person took another step and started telling me that the person I was seeing was not doing a good job and I needed to stop seeing her. Red flags should have shot up but I was so messed up as I was just a huge pile of emotions and no one to talk it out with. So I thought I could confide in this person who was telling me everything else was bad. That information was also being used against me.
It was at this point in my life that the crying for hours on end returned. The last time I felt that bad about myself was when I was about 14. At the height of the abuse by my mother. It was also at that very same time when my dad was away that my mother was taking me to see the Bishop and I had to have regular appointments (but I am not really ready to talk about that issue). Needless to say back then I was in hell and now I was going through it as an adult. I was also in a job that I liked. Even though there were a lot of workplace problem 90% of the staff were amazing and I still count them as great people and love to see them from time to time. But I was told that I needed to make more money and that I was not good enough. The stresses at work were not helping as well. Which I sank even lower. If it would not have been for a close friend things could have been much worse. We left…..
But my depression is not one where I cry without end anymore, since I cut that person out of my life. That really is one of the worst feelings in the world when you can’t stop crying and you don’t even know why you are crying in the first place. But I still have some of those feelings that pop up from time to time. But now I have ways of dealing with those issues and I got those skills from the person I used to talk to in the first place. Sometimes the pain of getting rid of those who are causing problems in your life is better than the pain of keeping them. There are the times where I still need to just close the doors and climb back in bed and get more sleep. Those are the hard times that really mess with me. Where I stop talking and I sleep it off. In about 8 hours I come right and I then go do something with a friend and have a chat over a cuppa. Then I center myself and come back to solid ground. Does not happen often anymore that is a wonderful feeling. But you need to get the tools and learn how to listen to your body.
Last year I started talking openly about my depression with others and even my children. I started to let everyone know what it was like and sometimes I just need a hug and a cuppa to keep going. I get by with a little help from my friends and my kids are wonderful as well. When my youngest Daughter slipped into a mental health issue of her own. We got the right help and we are able to talk it out and we have this wonderful bond. She comes to me as a person who she loves and trusts. But she also talks about her issues very candidly. The tools are out there and active use of them combined with talking it out. The more I think if we understand depression and how people deal with it the more we can save lives.
I have lost three friends in 10 years who have taken their lives from depression. Two of them I never knew had issues because they did not talk openly. So here I am talking openly making sure people know it is okay to talk about it. Yeah Hormones have been a huge help in my depression battles. While this might not be a solution for everyone the first starting point is talking it out. I will miss my friend…. don’t make me miss you as well.
The issue I see all around is a sense of hopelessness. People need something to hope for. xo