This Sunday was one that I hate to relive but it never seemed to stop. I started as one of those days when you wake up at 1 am and cannot fall back asleep. By the time 9 pm rolled around I was done with the day.
I lost a friend whom I should have been closer to but our lives did not walk the same road. But I respected him for all the trials and for his approach to life. He passed away… Why am I upset about his passing? We met at a place of higher learning. When I first met him he was such a kind and gentle person with such a soft and forgiving approach to life. He treated me with such open kindness and with a gentle approach I really felt cared for by him. It was still very early in my medical Transition at this point. I was a bit rough around the edges and he did not care. I was a human and I deserved respect. He did not judge me because I looked the way I did. I learned a lot from his kindness. He will be missed….
This week the reality of a close friend who is moving away. Was made clear with the sale of her home. She gave my family so much love and compassion throughout the years. Never once asking for anything in return. Her husband was one of my greatest friends and when he passed it blew away my composure around death and loss. In some ways it felt like a rip in my heart that could never be repaired.
Now I am losing the other side of that friendship to distance. Some friendships are forged in fire while some are forged in love. I would never like to think what life would have been like without this family in our lives. They gave so much to all of us in our family.
This week I hurt a friendship by making a mistake that I knew I was making but did not stop myself from making it. Before you think it was really bad, to me it was not. I offered a dinner party and needed to learn about this persons allergies. When I was with my Ex we used to have parties with friends or new people we wanted to get to know. I have always enjoyed these and it was something special that we did. I have done it a few times since. Inviting a few people who would have never met in any other way. I went full ahead steam on and was only thinking about getting it right in other words a bit to fast. I did not think I was taking this person out of their comfort zone. That my actions were also not comforting. Though reflecting on my errors I know what I did, but how did I let it happen? Sometimes we need to remember that even when a person is alone we tend to make mistakes that we would have never make any other time. That old wisdom of hold on loosely but don’t let go should have been in the forefront of my mind. But in reflection it was not, in fact what I did was so out of character for me. I was not even sure why I was walking the path I did. Maybe a lesson from the universe I think.
My error with this person was a wake up call to myself. I came to the understanding more about myself and being alone than I have ever before. I also learned about the need for the human connection in life. No matter how you might accept being alone, part of us does not want that. It drives us to the mistakes we sometimes make with others for that human connection. But isn’t that part of being human, we live, we make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. So like it was said let it go, if it comes back meant to be, if not, learn and understand that you were blessed to cross paths with that person even if it was only for a short time.
So where to from here Monday… A new day, a new week, and the first step forward. I will mourn the losses and look forward to the future.