What most people in my life know very little about is that all my life I have suffered with chronic pain. I do not have MS and my knees are for all visible appearances are in okay of shape. I have over the years had x-rays enough that should make them glow. I have had blood test that vampires have had a meal or two.

Over the years it has been getting worse. This year I came to the understanding that I have a new and close friend my cane. I spent hours after buying it in tears. Understanding that I am losing what is and has been something I knew would be coming. I am more scared for the future of my ability to walk.

I don’t talk about my fears much with people around my chronic pain. I have given up so much of the things I enjoy in life to losing this simple battle. Here are just a few of the things that I have lost due to this pain.

Running with my children.
Swimming with my children.
Skiing with my children.
Hiking with my children.
Star gazing and teaching my children about the stars.
Driving I love a good drive with the window down and losing cares of the world.
Riding my motor cycles.
Airplanes I love flying.
Rainy days, I love to see the rain but I know with it my pain almost makes it impossible to walk.
Fitness – I have asthma and losing this one simple body mechanic has changed my life.
I love martial arts I love to see the skills that are involved in them. I love watching Jiu-Jitsu even to the point that I tried to do it for a few times.
Dancing
Sleeping like a normal person
Going out with friends.
Walking without looking for support in case I start to fall again (which is new this year!).
Dating (yup, to many problem with this person)

After a week of only 18-25 hours of sleep plenty more hours of crying I can see my future for walking is slowly going away. I have even had a few Major falls this past week. One Gabriel caught me and did not let me hit the ground. I have spent time conquering so many things in my life. I learn and learn to try to avoid losing my mind. I hold my children and show as much love as I can to not lose them. I try to be a good friend to my friends because all of them are very special to me. I fight the good fight for subjects I believe in. But my fight with walking is being lost and I am not sure what to do…

I really am scared for the future of my walking ability it is not looking so rosy. I have always felt that my body hates me. On the flip side at least it is something my body and I can agree upon. I hate my body as well. I am so scared of what I have been always scared of.

I don’t talk much about this fear or even the pain of having to use a cane. FUCK I am only 50 dammit and I hate this! Sorry about this pity party. I thought I would talk about what is going on as a friend asked why I don’t do this or that anymore. I had to explain why and so I chose to write this that way I don’t have to keep explaining my secret and cry over and over again(fuck a run on sentence, lol. At least I can run on that, he-he.). I will now focus on my goals that involve my mind. Plus getting my mountain of tissues that I have used writing this. This week I am going back to my doctor to look at the future and plan it out. Still scared…