I watched a video last night by a stunning Transwoman. A person that I could say would pass at a high 98’s % of the time. She was really having a hard time with life and dating. She said it is something our community needs to be clear on with others. That being should you choose the path of being open and honest with everyone you need to be aware that you might be single until you go to meet your maker (you know kick the bucket).
This is something we as a community we don’t talk much about it. Finding someone to love or that will love us is very difficult to do. We reside in a middle ground of you are not a cis-man or a cis-woman. It is the most basic of built in instincts that we all have and that is to make another life. Yes, I know that there are those out there that do not want children. BUT the rules still apply when you look at a possible mate this is going through your head even if you deny it. What most Trans people are asking (but not saying) is look at me I am a good person just different. A lot of people cannot do that, it is not bad on their part. Or even that god forsaken word “Transphobic” it is just a reality of the above.
Then there is the darker side of this reality. What happens is that some of the time we are viewed as a fetish. Or even worse something they want to just try. But then there is a huge peer pressure that you (The Transperson) might not see. Something that we don’t hear when our backs are turned (What you could not find a real girl?). Or even worse and that hurts the person we want to find us special.
You fear that you will never find that someone who is able to look deep inside of you to see the diamond that you are. I would love to say that this is something that will work itself out in time. But as a person who prides myself with being bluntly honest. It does not always workout that way. This is one of the hardest parts of Transition. You need to be in love with whom you are. Deep inside and on the outside even with all of your imperfections. If you are not able to do that then how can you expect someone to see the diamond you feel like? It may take years to find that love in yourself. It may even be something that you currently cannot see.
We also need to learn to be strong with the understanding that we might never meet someone again. It took me a long time to go from I never wanting to be with someone after the hell I went through. To where I am now thinking it might be nice to have someone in my life. I was so angry with myself for allowing someone to abuse me for so long. It took time to review 14 years all the ups and downs. Then once I found that spot in my heart where I could place those years. I needed to look at who I have become. When you start in a relationship and it lasts for a long time, it will change you. Then you need to take time to find “you”. This is healthy because when you start loving yourself you create a different way people will look at you. Rich or poor it does not matter if you don’t love you, no one else will.
Now I am not saying that once you are able to love who you are that someone will pop into your life. It does not work that way, and it never has. Or shall I say if it does RUN! Just kidding. Taking the time to meet others is the hardest step in Transition. It is that point where you have to put yourself out there for everyone to see. Some will not like you and that is none of your concern. You will never change their minds, they have to do that on their own. Some will think you are a sexual object. If you are okay with that then roll with it. If you are not just keep swimming.
I have sat at home thinking “When” or even “If” I will be with someone. But I got to that point now where I can say “It would be nice” but I have learned to be okay with being single. I know a person that confused sex with love and lost the greatest person in their life because of their confusions that were wrapped around it all. It was so very sad to see what that person became in the end. They gave up everything to drive someone away and in the end they lost what was so special about them. You never measure yourself by who shares your bed.
Surprisingly you can do it. It may seem hard at times. But to be honest with you, it really is hard. But nothing worthwhile is ever easy, just ask the diamond. I do wish each and every person who reads this blog all the best. I’ll leave it here. To the young woman who sparked this post. You looked simply beautiful I hope a bright future for you.