When I was younger (12) I started to feel the pressure of not amounting to what my parents wanted of me. I felt so alone in life nothing I could do was working. Even more than that was when I told my mother that I felt so very different I was faced with the dark side of a parent. It took me a long time to learn of my own self worth and how that impacted those around me. It took me even longer to learn that I was worth more than others implied what I was worth.
I am looking back at five years for the most part it was a huge step to climb a hill that I should have been at the top all along. I look at the top of this hill I am still climbing. I took so long to get started and I face some part of this climb looking at it and listening to others telling me I can’t do it. I walked hand and hand with monsters who enjoyed pulling me back. I listened so many times thinking I was not worth anything. When you get to that point you cannot see the sun through the clouds of your life.
Sometimes starting over is a huge blessing even though it might not seem like it when you are fighting for the right to breathe. When I started looking at my self worth I needed to understand about why I was so different than others. Then I needed to learn how to put that to use in my new world. I started by taking the time and going to see a person who could help me rebuild me. It lasted for about a year talking it over and looking at what I could do. I will not that it is where I want it to be. Because it is not and I am not 100% I even know where the top should be. That is not a bad thing in fact I am glad I cannot see the top. In a crazy way it drives me to look over the next rock.
Some of the crazy things is I had to find out about what made me so excited to be me. I learned I had a passion for writing and how the accomplishments made me feel. That the failures that I have also learned in writing have been lessons of accomplishments. My first book I wrote was at the time to be a Autobiography. But it was more like a prelude to what was coming. It came so fast as I wrote each word. I thought to myself this is going to be easy to be a writer (I was wrong). I took the next step and wrote my dads story (I WAS so proud of him and all he had done). But I had a huge lesson to learn that even our heroes can fail us after all they are human as well. I also had to learn that we need to be careful how deep we dig for information. We might not like the monsters we dig up. That lesson was so hard to swallow because there were so many holes I was digging and so many monsters that I had to re-bury. I learned that valuable lesson that no one ever could have taught me because I was not ready to learn it. In the end I created a wonderful; story of my dad’s life.
But due to some of the monsters I dug up I feared for my dad to find out all the truth. In someway I am refusing to release this book at this time as I still love my father so very much that I could not wish the pain of the monsters on him. But I got to know my fathers mother, such a beautiful person. A person I was never allowed to know in real life. Even writing this I tear up from knowing so much about her. I think what a time we would have had if we could have gotten to know each other. But I am blessed to know so much about her now.
At the same time of writing that book I was writing a couple of other books. The Choice was the first to be finished after my dads book. It took me three years of off and on writing to accomplish it. But the excitement of finishing it is far beyond words that I can give it. I loved the moment it was in my hands. The smell of the gun used in the binding is so wonderful to smell knowing it is yours that you created it.
I am looking where I am at. I keep learning more about being Trans and trying to understand why. I am learning that I am worth so much more than so many others said I was. I still remember all the pain of being teased even by so-called teachers for being Dyslexic to the point that reading is still a huge struggle. I carried that pain for so long with each book I write I am destroying the pain as well as the person who caused it.
So where is this all going? Very simple it does not matter what you are faced with there is a solution. Sometimes that solution is not easy to overcome the problem with. But if something is worth it, you will do it. You will dig those holes and if you find a new monster you will know how to put it away. You will be able to find that magic that does make you so very special. I believe in you!
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