I want to tell you about an incident that took place recently and forced me to make choice on cutting ties with a acquaintance. Acquaintance meaning that I know them but never took the time really get to know them. But this choice was not made easily. I am the type of person who tries to find peace with others. But this person’s choice left me with none. I will defend my community from people who just want to hurt them. But read what took place… It is very important.
This person chose to interrupt a conversation I was having with someone else about the facts of being Transgender. It is kinda my thing helping educate others based upon the facts and science behind being Transgender. I am not your therapist! What this person did was to interrupt with a story blaming the Transgender community for the actions of one person. I am not one who likes to focus on the distraction and talk to that acquaintance over the person I was already talking with. So, I wrote the acquaintance directly and here is what I said to them.
“WTF is up with that post? You used my posts and followed what I was saying. Which is designed to educate about the facts of being Transgender. If you have a personal problem with someone and their actions it not a whole community. Just because an ex-partner was an abuser, I don’t follow other friend’s posts to belittle that person’s actions. While using the post of someone else to interrupt and distract. Trolls are everywhere in these posts and I work hard at giving honest information about being Transgender what you have done is just make it 10x harder because you are blaming all of a community for one person’s actions. That really was poor form, had I done that to you how would you feel?”
I felt that this approach was kind and addressed the issue. But sadly it did not enlighten this person.
Now you know how I feel when I reached out to you for your help and advice with how to deal with that person (a transgender person) and you refused and sat on the fence by stating you didn’t want to get involved.
“that” person being the one that this person tried to use as a way to blame and judge the whole Transgender community. I am completely lost at this point with this acquaintance. I even started looking through every message that this person ever sent me. Resulting in even more chaos as I could not find what this person was talking about. Now I want you to take a good look at my reply to her last comment.
O don’t know how you feel because you never reached out to me. Is it my job to police every trans person that is just insane. That is also why groups have mods to care of that stuff. What makes your reply worse is it now sounds more vindictive in nature. Because you say I would not help. Hmm this is starting to sound like a very poor choice on your part and you now want shuffle your poor choice on me by creating an excuse.hmmm…
I talk a lot about people shuffling blame onto another person for their actions. This is called Gas-lighting if you did not know. It is a form of abuse that some people do in abusive relationships. Basically it is “look what you made me do” which is a person not willing to own up to their own actions while placing blame on someone else. Sometimes these types of actions are also linked to Narcissistic behaviour. But even when you call people out on this they might double down on their actions.
I didn’t ask you to police, I asked for advice on how to deal with this particular issue at the time. I asked you because you have written books on it. You’ve been willing to educate the public, yet you couldn’t help educate me.
This is where it gets interesting. You can make a choice to continue to engage with this action trying to buy into their traps for an argument. OR you can walk away which is knowing that there is never going to be a winner in this type of abusive attack. Know where you stand within you own self make your point and then walk away. Knowing I have never written a book on the subject of dealing with all the personalities in the Transgender community. Then my website is also not here to tell people how to deal with people in the Transgender community on that level. Nor do I have the time to police a private group on the internet that I am not involved with let alone being a moderator of. You can see just how impossible this idea of a response that was. That book would be a mile thick and I am not sure there is one single therapist that can even attempt that as well. Look at the response again and you will seeing this example also fit in with “Oh I glad you found the cure for cancer, just too bad you could not find it a week sooner to save your uncle”
My choice in the end was based on learning about the types of abuse people use to justify their actions. Which I owe a lot to the Engendered Equality Training that I took this past year. It is also from learning what to stay away from when dealing with others. No one can police a conversation to a point to allow you to know what to do or say in every circumstance. Also to keep it real when you do need help dealing with someone. Others have their own lives and demanding others to jump in to save you from your own problem is not their responsibility. Then you also have to understand that they might not want to help you. Both of which is their right. Can you see the minefield of issues that can be created by trying to be a person who is willing to police everything for someone.
I made the choice to stop associating with this person by removing them from my Facebook. This choice was done to stand up. In a way it is very sad I had hope over the years that the two of us could have taken the time to become friends. Though I tried in the past to give it a go it fizzled out and meant nothing in the end. I did learn from this person. I learned that I have grown to a point that I see more of the abuse that others do and I learned that I am strong enough to walk away instead of trying to fix it. Knowing that somethings are not worth fixing.