One of the greatest things about being a parent is teaching your children things that have taken you time to learn. What you might not know is that my children and I have been in the process of making a project. Right now we are in the planning stages. We have had some minor bumps in the road here recently. This is a great thing, it means that we have to look at alternate routes to achieve the same goal. How will we adjust to those plans that are caused by those changes? Can we adapt?
Here in the last couple of days, I have even had a change in my goals. I don’t talk enough about my overall personal life. But I am going to break with my rules on that. You see this week I was talking with my son in the US who we have had an on-again-off-again relationship with. That is not his fault fully but some of it has been mine as well. You see when my son was much younger I have severe depression and went off the rails a bit then disappeared from his life. As time marched onward I did get help and now I am happy to say that I am better. I even learned from a clinical standpoint about depression and its causes. I learned to know my triggers and the reaction to those triggers. Sadly I learned that far too late and at far too great of a price.
But that was not the change of direction in my plans. Far from it, my change came while talking with him about life. He asked me for my phone number (no I am not going to give it out on my blog.) He explained that my father wanted to be in contact. I have not talked to my father in 6(ish) years. The reason for that is long forgotten but I do know it had a lot to do with me and my story. My story of abuse and not remaining silent. My story of being the true me.
The journey of Transition is a difficult path later on in life. Mainly the reason for that is people know the role you used to play in their lives. They have to change and people don’t like being forced to change. People are creatures of habit and we do not like change that is acted upon by outside sources. Transition is one of those that others do not have control of. This frustrates people because of what they might not understand, they might also have to change their reaction to the status quo. (That means keeping things the same as they were.) It is hard that is also why I suggest people just stop using before and after photo collages. It makes it hard for others to move forward. I am not saying to destroy old photos, just don’t show them next to who you are.
This news took me back to a point where I needed to reach out to my Aunt who I have been in contact with over the last few years. I needed to know if she broke her silence and talked to my dad about how I was being treated by the family. She replied back to me to just call him. Well after six years of not wanting to talk to me I gave up hoping that we could rebuild a bridge and I threw away their phone numbers. When my phone was stolen I did not bother trying to get their numbers again. Sure I know you might be asking yourself why did I not keep calling them in the past. There comes a point where making the effort 100% of the time is not worth continuing. Even more so when that effort is not returning any thing back to you. Closing the door on people not worth your effort is harder than blocking someone off social media. The context is normally filled with emotional ties that bind even after closing the door. He is still my father and still a part of who I am. He is also part of the reason I have become a better person.
Learning to be honest with yourself is a huge journey. That every person who wants to be that way must be prepared for. If for example, you have planned to carry on because your family stopped being a good source of… whatever. When that takes place you rebuild your life, you build a family of your choosing. I guess that is why the LGBT+ communities have a kinship of understanding and willingness to be there for others (with few exclusions, ahem LGBA). We even call ourselves “Family” because so many of us are without that. I also needed to rebuild my world when hope with them ended. Then I was even dealt a second change to my plans when my son told me that my father did not want me to write his book about him. To be honest I don’t need his permission once he is moved on from this mortal plane. I could even write his story in such a way that it is not all about him. Thus he would not have any control over my talent.
Now you are asking if he does not want to talk to me why would I worry about his story? My dad has a story of heroics where he places others’ lives above his own, earning his medals for his actions. Lives were saved because of him. I am not just talking about one or two. I am talking about possibly hundreds, then as years have marched on thousands. He saved them because of an act of selflessness. I maintain that my father is a good man at heart even though at times lost within a conflicting set of morals that pit two parts of his life against each other. At some point, something has to give. Even though those stresses might come at a cost he is not ready for. We can see this in every plan that has ever been made. Plan then create a back up plan in case the first fails. If the first one fails then you need a thrid plan for backup of the second one. It is a lot of work but that is how success is created.
Change in the universe is the only constant. Plan for it, but be mindful that even those plans can fail. I am waiting for the phone call but I think he is as scared as I am to talk to each other. We will have to see if his plans are what he hopes they will be.
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