I mentioned a few weeks back about my father wanting to call me so I passed on my phone number and how to dial it. As I live in Australia and my father lives in the US. He was never one for technology so some things you have to spell the steps out. So I had not heard from my father so when I was talking to one of my sons who live in the US and I asked him if he gave the number to my father. He told me that my dad lost it so he was going to give him it again.
A week or so passed and I was talking once again with my son. He told me my father wanted me to call him now. I thought to myself I have been in the same place, same phone number, same house, and same email. But yet he wants me to call him when he wants to chat with me. I thought damn that is a bit rich you have not talked with me since 2016. Some of it I am sure is that he does not know what to feel about me being Transgender and he just found out in 2015. Then there was the time to grieve the loss of my mother. I was okay with him not reaching out during that time. I also know there are those who might be saying it is your father, you should call him. I live on a very tight budget I count all my pennies and calling him would cost me money that I could spend on my children. My children come first above all and that includes him.
I learned far too late to listen to my gut in some issues. My gut was telling me that this call was not one of “Hey how ya doing kiddo?” It was going to be him telling me that he is not happy with me leaving the church (CULT). That my anger with my sisters was not right (THEY OUTED ME – Yeah I am still pissed). Or that he was not happy about me speaking about the abuse I suffered or should I say we as a family suffered. It is just that gut feeling that is screaming don’t do it. If it is important he will call the number.
My son told me this week that he had talked to my father and was told he will “Think” about calling me. Which is my dad’s language is meaning not to expect a call. These are games that I have no time for in my life. He is 85 years old and his goal was only to make it to 94. I’ll wait for a member of my family to notify me he has passed. I know that is a brutal thought process. But once my father has made his mind up to something he is not going to change it.
You get to a certain point where self-care is far more important than talking with someone. This is where you have to say I matter. This is where I am at in measuring risk vs reward. I had a friend ask me why? What if you are in the will? To be honest being in the will does not matter to me when compared to the issue of the past is not resolved and can never be resolved. All because the person that caused the problem is gone and I am at peace with that person and their actions. Not being at peace does not mean I am okay with the events of the past I am just saying that I am able to let go of most of the pain and sadness. You can only carry that junk so long before that toxicity fills your soul. So that is why I say no thank you to toxic people in my life. I have to make that stand for my own mental health.
Please don’t get me wrong I do love my father. In a weird sort of way, he has earned that. Am I sad about his choices? No, I am not they are his not mine and I cannot live his life. Am I disappointed? Yes, you see I was raised with ideals that in some parts were lived up to even though others were not. That family comes first, even when the chips are down. But when the chips hit the fan… So I built my own family. My children are my family my friends are my extended family. I also did not need a church to live a good life where I do help others without asking for anything in return. Take a look outside it’s a beautiful day…