Making the choice was difficult

I am honest to the extreme with others even within my own sense of self. That was so very difficult to reach this point in life. Learning to be honest with oneself is a very liberating journey. It starts slowly by cutting away the dead flesh of dishonesty that can take many forms. It is never fast, each cut that you make has consequences. But if you step back and really look at them you will notice that they are the ones keeping you from reaching your full potential. Success in life should never be measured in accumulated wealth for that type of wealth only leads to unhappiness in the end. Nor should success be measured upon the opinions of others. It took me a long time to come to terms with that. I spent years trying to make a partner happy with whom I was. Living the exact way they wanted me to be. Though every day I died a little bit more.

I also tried to do that with my family in the US. I tried to be everything they wanted me to be but with each step they were mired in failure. I looked in the mirror only to see someone that I had grown to hate and not even know. I knew I did not like my body or the way my mind saw my physical form. I knew it did not add up. But I was so pressured into thinking the way I was taught that I could not accept the truth that was always looking back at me and a shadow following me everywhere I went. There was very little peace. I never felt I could measure up to what was expected of me.

My dad once said to me that I was always looking for something that “Spoke” to me in music. He then said, “nothing will ever do that for you just accept the church and live right”. Their belief structure never felt right for me. But I did what I was told because my hope was removed from me many years before that. I grew up in a very religious family on the surface. But behind closed doors, I don’t even think any of them really understood what they pledged their lives to. Nor do I think they understood the cost of their choices over the years. I certainly did not know myself. I did not fully know the pain some of the beliefs would cause others. I trusted so many believers in their views of life and life after death. When I started cutting away the dead flesh of my life I found that it was hard to carry the weight of those beliefs. Once they were gone it was so liberating.

I was drawn to a theory of Indiana Jones and the first movie. If you take out the character Indiana Jones out of the movie it still ends the same. I applied that to the belief structure I grew up in. If I took that out of my life would I have ended up in the same place? The answer was very difficult to understand as I pondered it over and over. But in the end, I came up with yes. If that belief structure was true I was going to be happy with or without them in my life. If that church was not true if I wasted so much time in it to get nothing more out of it. I also had some issues with the lies and deception that surrounded it. Creates huge hypocrisy with the way many of them live as well as forces their beliefs on others. Now don’t get me wrong I do believe that if you want to believe in a “God” it is your right but don’t come knocking on my door when you know that your beliefs are in direct conflict with my life.

That was one of the hardest cuts in my life. When I made that cut I lost so many people in my life that I thought cared about me and my family. But looking back that care was only skin deep. But as I also looked at it they were also my major social circle (100+). But I also saw that only one or two wanted to stay friends. Did that cut free me from dead weight? You bet it did I started to search for friends that did not speak out from both sides of their face.

I also stopped talking to most of my family. But that was a forced cut in a way. Some of my family were not the nicest people to be around in the end. I saw some things and felt the sting of betrayal and just made the choice to cut that dead skin off. I was asked what would it take to allow them back into my life. The truth is more than they are willing to pay. We can leave it at that as spelling it out will do no good. Remember “find ways to end the suffering of others”.

After cutting away the dead flesh. I started to not only accept who I was as a person but looked for ways to help others. In time new flesh grows and we heal as we help others. I learned so much over the years in my efforts. I have helped those I thought had it all together. I fed those that had very little. I caused others to think and challenge their deep-seated misunderstandings. I am not telling you about this because I think you should do the same. I am however telling you that if do choose this path life becomes richer and more fulfilling. But in the end that is your choice to help others end their suffering thus ending your own. If in the end, I do find out there is a “God” and if he judges me on my actions I feel I will do okay. No single person is perfect we should accept each person who is trying to be the best they can be. We should be careful about those we judge sometimes face value is unwise until you open the book and read the story.

P.s. I bet you thought this was all going to be about the choice to medically transition. Sorry, not everything in my life revolves around being Transgender.

Categories: 2022Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

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