This is my HRT program and the impact on me to this point. I am going to be friendly and warn you that not all of my writing is “G” rated so if you are not able or will to handle that don’t read this part.

So my first step was 30 days of Spiractin. The use of this testosterone blocker I did not see anything going on with my body during the first 30 days.

First Month

The next 30 days, my next step was to start on Estraderm Patches with Spiractin. I love the patches and here is why. using the pills will go through your liver. With so many issues in being Trans the last thing I want is liver problems. Then remembering that I need to take them everyday for me is hard enough with the other pills. I started to “feel” a little different about 3 weeks into taking Spiractin. I did not get the tears or become an emotional outburst. Despite going through a horrific divorce at the same time. It was more like a calming of the voices that we all face with the Dysphoria. I did start to also see a slow down on hair growth of Facial, leg and chest hair. Penis issues still are there, meaning erections at strange times.
Being that I am an old Transwoman growing breast tissue can be a bit of a challenge. I started by doing Japanese Breast Massage.The theory on this is that it can help with breast growth during puberty. I know I was thinking the same thing who was going to teach there child this type of information. But what they have also found that it helps remove the toxins in the lymph nodes. Mind you this is not a fun thing to do when your breasts are sore and growing.
I have also not changed my diet it that much my fat intake is still a bit higher than I wanted as well. But the school of thought is to look at a large amount of females when going through puberty are going to gain some weight. By doing this I am not trying to fight to many battles at the same time.

The second month

Full time HRT program During the first couple of week not much changed. About the 3-4 week I started to have a deeper sense of myself and things that were around me and the feelings of others. Some skin issues started to change I used to have REALLY bad dry elbows, it was at this time that I noticed that this problem was gone. Nothing changed with my body hair as far as stopping. I started getting people say that I look and act happier than I have been the in past. I am not sure if that is the hormones or the fact that my environment had changed.Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

Third Month……

OMG! I am starting to have joint pain and muscle pain. Now I was not told on this by anyone or in any of my reading. Let me explain with the HRT you are changing you body by force. Skin changes, stresses change, emotions change, fat changes, muscles change, hair changes, body hair changes, Breast grow. This is all that I started to go through during this month. I started crying at tv shows, youtube videos, major events in my life,  and the dumbest thing TV commercials. OH boobs! the pain has set in. Sore without a bra, and people noticed if you are wearing the wrong type of a top. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

Forth Month,

oh the pain I had to go to my doctor for pain meds as panadol was not cutting it at all. So I am trying not to use those unless it wakes me up at night. Hair growth has slowed a lot. Something weird started this month my taste attraction have changes I used to be a big savory type of person not really enjoying Chocolate as much as others. One night at some screwed up hour I needed CHOCOLATE. I had to have it I could not think of anything else. Then a few days later colors started to look different. Not in a bad way but more in a way that I started to notice the hues of items more and the ways some of the colors on a flower can be hypnotic going from a vibrate red to a dark blood red color. Yes I have known they do this as I have been an airbrush artist. I was not ready for this. I was sitting at a friends house enjoying an afternoon tea with the ladies. When these amazing purples on this flower caught my eye and I just kept looking at them. I was watching the yellow and black of the bees flying in and out at the same time, it was breath taking. Smells have changed I can not pickup smells from places that I have never noticed before. I was driving and all of a sudden a large smell of BO drifted in to my car from the open window. I saw a man walking and that was the only reason I could attach to it. It was sicking, it was so bad. But I have caught other smells as well that were overpowering in shopping. I can see what some of the supermarkets do to women to get them to buy stuff. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

I also started taking Vitamins to help with a few changes that are going on it was advised. Oh and crap I am at the stage that my boobs are big enough that I bump them into things now lol, SHIT it hurts when I do, lol.

Fifth Month

I am in my Fifth month and I am loving the changes… I will tell you at the end of the 30 days. Opps, this is something that has also been a little issue that I have been trying to deal with and that is if I don’t write it I tend to forget it now. For someone like me who has in the past had a great memory it is a bit scary but after talking it over with the right people it is a hormone based issue. OGM my boobs are killing me, I am tried of all the crack pot ideas to fix the pain (shudda yer face, i donna wanna hear it) I love the pain in a weird way it is very liberating to know that these changes are taking place in my body. Not the memory issue I don’t like that. Ok some more changes I have been seeing CLEAVAGE that is something not used to with man boobs look and feel different. The changes in my body hair are still evolving as well. The arm hair is getting lighter and less coarse. Chest hair has also slowed down and some is all together gone.

Still seeing a bit of changes in Colors, smells and tastes. Taste is a weird thing that has changes I am not very used to that. The colors are simply amazing and I can’t stress enough that men just don’t get it. I am getting fat on my Hips now as well. As for the butt issues I am still hoping that will happen. Emotional issues, crying a little bit more when sad things happen. Give you an Example this past week I was called a Rapist by my ex-to-be to a court appointed family reporter even though it was false and I am slowly getting over her attack it hurt like a Mother F*&^er. I started to cry and wow did the tears flow. It has taken me a bit longer to get over this issue as in the past it was “she being stupid” this time it was more like someone ripped my heart out stepped on it, then drove over it, lit it on fire, then placed it back in my Chest. I went to my friends house, and we defused the feelings that were being felt at the time, even then it took hours. So part of what I am thinking is that some of the changes are that I am now holding on to emotional stuff far longer than I have ever do in the past.
I have had a few issues with Gas, yup I said it Farts. It is one thing to fart it is another thing what is going on, I swear I could put a hole in the chair. Cramps oh dear god the cramps, I don’t think all of women’s cramps come from their periods. Muscle pain wow in my knees and shoulders had to get some drugs. Wow new problem that I have not dealt with since I left the US and that is just sleeping problems so now I fall asleep with a sound app. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

Month 6……..

So here we are a major milestone has been reached. So what changes have taken place. Well for starters skin has taken a huge turn to become more and more soft. Thus hand textures hand soften. Where once I could see my fingerprints now they are still there but very hard to find. Nails have started to grow faster. Arm hair has reduced to the point where it is looking more like what you see on a woman’s arm. Elbows has softened and now are not dry at all. Under arm hair huge reduction. Chest hair has retarded a bit more but has not stopped. Hair near the nipple has not changed as far as growth speed. Hair on legs has slowed down as well. Breast growth is slow but steady going with out a bra is not wise. Back hair I had waxed off due to it had not fallen out as of yet. I also have seen regrowth rate is slowing.
OK the penis has not changed in size or girth but the testicles have reduced in size. The issue of erectile functions in the morning have stopped as well as at times when you are not needing them. They can still become erect with issues of sexual attractions. Though all loss of fluids is now present. Issues of sexual attraction have also change, I’m finding that I have become more and more asexual. As simple issues of attraction no longer work. Porn is not an effective stimulus. Though conversation has resulted in a different type of stimulus I’m finding it as a deeper attractions.
Creativity has grown as I am not interested in visual media such as TV. I am finding that the blog has become more and more important as I release my creative side in writing. .

Emotions, I have not yet felt to surge of youthful emotions that come with Puberty. I have been expecting unreasonable amount of thiat junk once more but to be plain and simple I have not had any problems. Memory recall has been a bit slower but it does come in time where before the HRT I was able to recall information very fast now I sit and think of stuff for a small amount of time. Muscle memory is still fast and present, even with the loss of minor muscle tone. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

Edited*** I forgot something about my skin, on the sides of my nose near the nostrils used to be where I would get huge oil deposits and pimples. This has dried up and looks fantastic.

Well that is month six. I don’t think I have left anything out…..

 Month 7

Well here we are over the hump of six months and completing 7 months. Well I would like to wow you with amazing new information and exciting changes. I think you might be shocked as this has been a fairly calm month. I have only seen a continued changed ion Breast development. I will have to say that fr0om all of the information about Breast development stories I was really thinking that this part of my transition would be a bit more on the painful side. I am not saying that there is no pain far from that but it is not one where I would be reaching for Panadol pain relief. If you were to hold a 50 cent coin over my nipples that would be the area of the most sensitive area. I can feel the milk ducts changing under the skin in that area. I have not had and issues of Lactating or strange sores or “bumps”. I think I have seen some changes to the nipples themselves but it is very small. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

Hair on body, well this is a part I am a bit let down I was hoping a faster rate of loss and a complete loss in back hair. I still have some of the body hair but it has continued to slow. I think I will have to have my back waxed again soon, though i really have not taken the time to look as we are heading in to winter months. Leg hair nope I dont care if it is winter or not that is coming I HATE leg hair.

Hormonal rages….. Well I just have not had a single one or anything like that. So I cannot give any information on that.

Like I said this has been a very calm month.

Month 8

Well it is here and I am more than happy to say boobs are growing fine still. The itches at times are enough to drive me nuts. I have had a few other issues as well I having maintained that I am attracted to Women and I can’t stand the though of a hairy person hugging me or trying to control me. But I met this wonderful person and for some strange reason my heart just went BOOM!. I have paused my laser hair removal and it has been due to that I have only white hair left and the laser does not work with those. So I am trying to find a dye that will color the hair to the best dark color I can. as I shared a study on it in the info page. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

I am thinking of talking to my endocrinologist about why I am still getting back hair after this long.  All my blood tests are coming back fine without any issues. I saw a new counselor this month and was told that after all I have been through I am doing well. My Depression is in check and that I am working out the issues from the abuse well. My mental health is improving. I love those words. I was told that I don’t need to talk to her for sometime maybe a check in, in a few months.

Patches have been giving me a bit of grief due to the glue on the skin but you will have to work out where is the best area for it. My hair has been growing in really nice when strait it is just past my ears now. I have been taking Hair, Skin and nails to help, it is a good idea if you are starting your transition due to the fact that you whole body changes. I have a few problems with my nails as well. My Hair was breaking but that was mostly due to the stress of all that I have been going through.

I also had a few new issues where people were making passes at me.I was not handling them very well as it is new for me to be the object of someones ideas. I did also notice a person trying the whole if I say this about you I can do a money scam on you. That ended fast it is not like I fell off the turnip truck yesterday. Well at least when someone I trusted said I was a beautiful woman this month I blushed and felt so nice. I was in heaven, almost walking on air.

Month 9

I was sitting here today think wow it has been 9 months. I was even so lucky today was given a call by Doctor. She told me today of my levels and that my Testosterone Levels are less than 1 and my body has taken to the Estrogen with ease. So I looked at what took place this month and there are not many changes that have taken place. Breasts have continued to grow. I am getting a bit of the puffy nipples as well. One day it might be the right and the next the left then I get a small break then the itching begins. Fat is moving downward and no hips but the Butt is getting it.  Skin still soft and hair is growing like mad. Though I can start to understand a few nightmares of long hair.  SO over all not much has been going on as far as body changes this month. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

Month 10

It is a fun fact that when your boobs start to itch without reason they are growing. This month has been filled with the itches. Like that episode where he saves off his chest hair and acts like the wolfman when it starts to grow back…..Yup I have had to make sure no one sees me scratching away. I have seen some changes in the nipples as well the areolas has been growing as well. Same color but they are a bit puffy at times. The size of the circle is growing as well. Because of Chest hair that is slowing stopping some hairs around the areolas still grow and might continue to some time. This can be an issue due to wearing bras with ingrown hairs. The size of my breasts has grown as well. Male waist line is starting to change as well. this is the middle period that I have read about where some Transitioning people might have the two waistline effect / issue. In time this will go, and you should start to see the single waistline.
I have also noticed a shift in thinking this month. I have noticed a shift towards finding a more open heart towards the ones who have (I feel) wronged by. I have always tried to be forgiving but it has been a battle at times though. Right now I am able to find a new look at forgiveness based upon what could I say nice about a person if they had passed away.
The veins in my feet and legs have become less pronounced as well. I have also see that in the forearms. I have also noticed a reduction in hair on the chest and back. Arm hair is now lighter and finer, the color has changed as well. I have been still going to IPL and getting that done I have had 3 sessions so far and face is looking better.
Back to a diet plan, I was a very bad person and went back to drinking Coke and gained weight back that I had lost sometime ago. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

Month 11

Wow wow wow…. I am looking at the changes that is going on for this month. Well welcome to fun side HRT baby. Sleep is not my best friend right now. Dreams have become a bit more vivid at times. Boobs hurt like crazy. Hair and Nails are growing so fast it is crazy. Still in the battle with Coke, though drinking Sprite instead for one week then it is back to water only. I am very pleased with my progress right now. 2016 has so far been an okay year. I have looked at where I am at in terms of my goals and they are going a bit slower than I would like but I will manage that at I move through my 5 year plan. My skin has become so soft I am so happy right now in the grand scheme of things. I get scrapes and cuts a lot more now. My arm hair has gone blonde to white can hardly see it. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake. For Information sake I am about an A-B cup now.

Month 12

Well this is it the 1 year mark. So what has happened in the last month? Well I like to say everything is going just peachy. But being honest on this Transition and I cannot tell you that everything is. But the hormones are going well, breast development is going well, Fat redistribution is going well, reduction of body hair is going well, and I even think that I have been learning a lot about my body this month. Breast tissues is very sore and can see that it is growing. There is a bit of peace that I have never known before in my life. Still keeping up with the breast massage and the higher fat intake.

Month 13

Puffy nipples there are times I think my boobs are stalling. Then boom to sore to touch and puffy nipples appear. I am starting to see a rounding in the breasts now. Body hair is still slowing down. Sense of smell is still changing. Gosh BO I can pickup that smell so fast now and on top of it upset my tummy a bit. I have a lot of tears writing my book coming to stories of my life that were hard on me. In the past I before the hormones those same stories were easy to shrug off as part of the life.

Month 14

Wow what a month this has been I am a person that does wear my heart on my sleeve. No matter how much I try this is something that has grown a bit with the HRT. For example I was reading this story today about a Sexual Assault that took place on Tribal lands in the US and how the Tribe did what needed to be done and in the end the amazing respect was given to the victim and the punishment was in the end given to the women to handle. They held him down and cut off his braids, then turned him over to the Police. I broke down cried it hurt so much to have the flash back of my little girls telling what happened to her. It felt like it just happened. I would have to say the HRT has caused a few issues with my memory. Some things are just that much more vivid.

I have been having issues this month with the Breast tissues no being as sore as they have in the past but they are still developing. My hips have been changing a bit, getting wider but where is my bum, lol. I have been seeing a large growth in my hair.

I am still working with the breast massage and starting to decrease the fat intake. I will start the exercise part of my development. This part will focus on the waistline and the legs, I will be avoiding the upper body work as that has still a large amount of bulk that I would like to reduce a bit more.

Body hair is still a bot of an issue the back hair is reducing slower than I want it to but it is getting there.

Month 15

Well this month was a big one. While some of my physical traits such as breast development have slowed a bit a few other issues have started to appear.

Emotional Development

I sometimes feel very lucky that I have not gone through the second puberty the way so many others have while on HRT. I think it might be that I am pretty stable in my cognitive reasoning and know when I am being a bit of a flake. I have also known when to walk away from those who might stress the bounds of friendship. I am also taking the point that I am not the only one going through this transition, when in fact it is everyone around me that is.

Though saying that this past week I experienced a bit of a need to lay on the bed and cry after a friend said a few horrible things to me. Now did I take them wrong? I am still not 100% sure on that matter but I will take the time and think about what the context was and if I did poorly in my response. Even though at this time I have not taken the time to respond to the friend directly as I am not really sure how I felt about what was said and the actions that followed.

I have also been trying to better understand the issues that lay in the agreed settlement with my ex about time with the children. Most of what I am feeling takes a bit more of an emotional toil than it once did before the HRT.

I am trying to work through most of the emotional baggage that comes with these lows with the approach of what is logical to resolve them. I am still finding that my feelings are hurt but I am  somewhat able to remove elements of these issues to lessen the impact.

Physical Development

I have noticed a slowing in the breast growth but I am not to concerned with that at this time. Some fat redistribution has made putting on a few of my clothes a bit of a challenge and I think that this is due to also diet. In the coming months at the 18 month mark I will reduce the fat intake. I am still tender around the Areolas to about a 1/4 of an inch into the surrounding skin. Man fat due to man boobs is reducing as well. If you do not understand this it is the fat the sits in the underarm areas folding into a bit of back fat.

Hair, well this is still reducing slowly over time. I do still have the issues of Dysphoria due to the hair that men get in some areas. But it is slowly going away. Head on my scalp has gone into overdrive these last few months with the growth close to 1 -2 inches of new. Though I am still taking Hair, Skin and Nails formula. This is a good thing and helps fight the dysphoria caused my not having the right looking hair. Underarm hair where did that go? really I have not one clue why that stopped. I have found no information why it would have but I am thankful for it.

Olfactory Senses

Why do I have to deal with this part of the transition! could I not have to smell mens B.O. There are times that I just have to get up and walk away from it all. In fact men who “smell” a lot or have issues or forget to shower are making me a bit ill when being near them. Though I still to this day have not found a nice way to say “Man you STINK”. I can only think that women put up with this all the time. I went to work one day and I was told how nice I smelled by one of the employees on staff (thanks Jack) you have no idea how much perfume is needed to hide some smells of B.O.

Skin issues

Well my skin seems to have a mind of its own. I get scratches and I don’t even know how. I have also dealt with the feeling that my hands were made from sandpaper after working one day. I have to find cream and fast and hard to do when some men have other issues and hand cream is not one of them…….b.o……just saying.

Well there is month 15 in a nutshell it went by so fast…..

Month 16

Emotional Development

Nothing comes to mind

Physical Development

Well I have been a bit concerned about the lack of tenderness around the Areolas, where in the past few months they have been quite sore. Well being that I am not looking every day at them to avoid the issue of thinking nothing is happening. So I took a look in the mirror and I stared a long time thinking something has change but I can’t place it. Then out of the blue it was the Areolas they were larger than they have ever been. So progress there is nice to see then a couple of days later the blood tenderness returned.

I am having a bit of a weight issue right now as well. I have gained some weight due to the weight moving toward womans areas and men’s is slowly going away. I am finding I might need a way to suppress the snack feeling.

Needing a bit more sleep during this month as well

For a long time now I have been sitting to pee. I had spent far too long out with friends and I have an issue with public toilets. No it is not what you might think, it is a germ thing. Well on the drive home I was BUSTING so much I was in pain. When I reached the house I had time to run into the house and to the bathroom. I had a male flashback and said I will pee standing up when I found out I was safer to sit down….
You see one of the things you need to understand is that when on HRT somethings shrink and for some strange reason mine did to the point it was an issue. Odd feeling for both of issues with Gender Dysphoria and there was also a blessing that I was able to see the end result look might look like on me. Then sadly it returned back to normal. Oh well……

Olfactory Senses

Flowers, FLOWERS I AM IN HEAVEN!

Skin issues

Nothing new to report

Month 17

Emotional  Development

Well this month has been very stable with the exception of noticing that I have a cycle where the hormones are concerned. I have been keeping track of the feelings and what I have been doing in a personal diary.

Physical Development

Well I‘ve been having a few issues with itching on my lower legs. The solution was to get some allergy medicine (over counter). This did solve the issues. I’m not sure why I’m having the problem. It is not a known side effect.

Breast growth is still going on because I’m dealing with puffy nipples and aerola. They are a bit sore to touch at times. I had this event happen as well as I was driving I went to turn a corner my breast got in the way. It sounds funny but until you have it happen it does not make to much sense.

Fat around the cheeks (face) have been getting a bit more day to them. I keep telling them as it is a bit unusual.

Man Hips are starting to take a bit more in the fat redistribution. This means I’m losing the man shelf and feminine curves are starting to show. It has made a few of my favourite clothes unbearable to wear.

Butt still has not been getting a lot of fat redistribution yet.

I started on cutting back on fat intake and going back to a healthy. So some changes are going to stay to take place in the physical features.

Skin issues

None

Olfactory senses

No changes

New developments

I’ve be noticing something new that has changed due to the hormones is that I’m now focusing on items a bit more. This is easy to see when I’m writing or studying. I wonder if this could have helped me learning issue when I was growing up…..

Month 18

Emotional  Development

It has been a good month no weird crying outbursts but some of that is I have started to approach some of my life challenges with a different mindset.

Physical Development

Fat issues time to be honest the high fat diet idea did wonders for my breast tissue, but it wrecked my ability to fit into some of my clothes that I love. So the diet is going but once again it is a fun adventure. Don’t eat that but you can eat this wonderful tasteless green leafy shit, lol. My hips are a bit thicker than I have had in the past so I feel that is due to the hormones. I have not noticed changes in my butt.

Skin issues

I started using products from The Body Shop things have changed a lot this past month. My skin is so soft and it is so nice.

Olfactory senses

If I could breath through my nose I might be able to smell things

Breast Development

Okay I have seen and felt a fuller breast my borderline B cup is now a B cup without problems. I have not had any soreness behind the nipple which has been present for most of my transition. But I am still having the ichy issues around the breast which does mean the breasts are still growing.

New developments

Hair Growth in areas has slowed almost to the point that it is not growing. Facial hair is still having some growth, I will need to seek electrolysis once money gets a bit better. I  have been getting some better sleep this month as well. I changed my sleep schedule this month which is helping my overall health.

This month I have been needing more sleep than normal I am going to bed at 9pm most nights and waking up at 7am. For me in the past 6 hours was more than enough. I thought maybe I am a bit run down with all the crap that went on over the past year. BUt I don’t really think that was the issue. I think with all the changes that are going on I just need more sleep.

Month 19

Emotional  Development

What a month this has a been mixed with highs and lows. I have been dealing with a different set of emotions that I even had to call my dad as I have never felt these before. Just so you know my dad is a very wise man. I have never been so upset over something that was in my control to fix but yet it really did disturb me. I know it was a hormonal issues but when you get hit by the big ones they do tend to rock you a bit

Physical Development

Holy Shit! just so you know just when you think your boobs have stopped growing don’t worry mother nature has a surprise for you…..In the last couple of months the pain level of growth dropped and I was thinking i was looking at a a-b cup this last week PAIN from hell set in. My chest felt like a rock and then while I was in the shower complaining about the pain. I noticed some changes in the development of the breast shape. When breasts are growing they start as a cone shape then start to fill out on the bottom side which gives a fuller look. So as I was looking in the mirror I started to see some new progress in that area.

Skin issues

I am having a small side effect going on though I am not to sure if it is linked to the meds or the issues of Allergies, but I have been itching on my legs to the point I need to keep them covered and at the same time if I take meds for the itching it goes away. SO I am looking into the issues. Other than that nothing new.

Olfactory senses

Nothing new

New developments

Nothing new

Month 20……..

Emotional  Development

Well not a lot of crap has been going on to judge what is going on in my emotional development. In fact things are very stable over all and I am very pleased. A few commercials have played a bit of havoc. Then I went to a Mental Health First Aid class and that was very hard at times. Mainly due to some of the subject material.

Physical Development

I am still having itchy issues without taking hay fever meds. I am over all very pleased with my breast development. Still have a bit of hair on my body that is driving my razor to levels of hate.

Skin Issues

Surprised at the level of dry skin I have now. Where before the hormones it was a bit oily. Even my hair used to be very oily now it is normal.

Hair Growth

My hair has been getting longer and longer. It is very nice to enjoy a full head of hair. Though I am learning to deal with the days when long hair is a bit of a curse. Then there are the times when you over heat due to the hair that covers your neck.

Olfactory senses

no change

New developments

Oh my I had to change the style of bra’s I am using I have gone to a sports bra as I am in that middle area of needing to up size but the sport bra has a few new issues. Like when my nipples might rub on the fabric. Oh my that is not a friendly feeling all the time. Then there are the times when you need to change the sensation and you can’t do it due to being in public. So you find a public restroom and solve the problem.

Month 21

Well lets have a bit of a chat about this past month. Well if you have been following the abnormal blog posts on my day to day you would have heard that I had a severe reaction to the patches. Well this month has been learning how the reaction played havoc with my system. I had to let the reaction part that was cause my problems learn my system. Detoxing can take upwards of two weeks even while learning to deal with the new meds at the same time. While I will say I was okay with the progress of the Patches but I think I should have said something a long time ago. My Testosterone levels have always been low to the acceptable level. But the Estrogen levels due to fighting the reaction were not reacting as best they could have.

So now that you have caught up on the past lets look this month while on the “Pill” yup I am on the “Pill” the reaction to it has been a bit of a shock to the system. I have an emotional outburst today that left me feeling in the aftermath of it very shocked. I have been having emotional outburst in tears due to issues that relationship issues that I now face. I have been coming to terms with being single again and not know who and how to date. In the past I would have just said “Oh well it will work itself out” but this time has been very different and the increased hormone activity has been really powerful. Causing a lot of tears and confusion.

Let me say this right off the bat I HATE CHOCOLATE. It has never been a thing for me, unless it is peanut butter cups the mini ones. But any other is just a snack that I can live without. But this month has been crazy. I don’t want it I have a deep need to have it. There is no base logic I can find in the NEED for Chocolate, but heaven help the person that says no to me about a small bite of it.

I hate TV, but if I see another commercial on YouTube of Facebook that makes me end up in tears I will find you and I will have some not so nice things to say to you face. Crying over these stupid things it pushing it a bit far.

Then my son placed his head on my chest during a hug and I almost fell apart with the pain. OMG it felt like someone placed my tit in a vice of it was way to much. I had to back away top stop from crying in pain.

SO yeah this past month was filled with a lot of learning.

Month 23

Well let get this month done, I wish it was that simple. This is my second month on the pills for my Estrogen part of my HRT. There has been a few issues that have been creeping up here and there. Mind you most of them are physical and most of thge are emotional. I have been learning to deal the heavier emotional responses to issues.

Emotional Development

Wow, what a month crying a lot about silly things and stupid people.

Hair issues

Due to my age, I had back hair when I was 30 as well as arm hair that made me look fuzzy-wuzzy. While I was on the patch that hair started to thin but not go away. But since I have been on the pills for two months now this has really taken a fast track to clear up the amount and the little I have left now is very light in color and not as coarse.

Skin issues

I have stopped itching all the way now and where the patch was has healed with no scaring to the area. I have started to see a bit of clearing up of the dry skin on my ankles. The wounds from scratching so much is all gone as well. But over all it is still very dry.

Breast Devlopement

Well I have seated into a B cups just fine now and still a bit sit and nipple has begun to change as well. The early puberty style of breast swelling has made way for the fill out stage of growth.

Weight issues

Well, I am not too happy with the amount of weight I have gained but some are the hormones and others have been my lazy ass not getting out and doing stuff. But I have been also writing my next book and school and kids and and and excuses…..suck.

Hips Development

Well with some of the weight the hips have taken some of it. That has helped the hips to look better.

Month 23

Wow, well I would say things have slowed down a bit but I am not really sure. I have seen a large growth in the hips and breast areas. I am not sure I have lost about 30% of my Strength. My skin is still healing from the patches and the reaction. I have seen a huge reduction in my use of Allergy medication. This is a big bonus, I can start to regain my clear-headed views.

This past month was two years since the children and I left our home and the life we had. It was a shit start to the month everything was hyper-emotional and as we got closer and closer to the 10th I was feeling like I was losing everything all over again. The emotions were so strong and I was not able to really focus on what I needed to. The issue of my body having to learn about the new pills without being allergic to the delivery method. I am sure that played a big part in the structure of the burst of emotions.

My hair is looking really nice and I am loving it still learning but new styles and issues of sleeping with long hair.

Weight is still a big problem. Though I am looking at the problem as I am being just lazy and the hormones as I have not really added things to my diet. I bet once some other issues like the spring I will get a bike and start going for bike rides with the kids and that might help out.

Month 24

https://aleanasjourney.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/eek-2-years/

I made this one into a blog post it is rather big with photos and all.

Month 25

Well, not many changes have taken place this month. Though since being on the pill the hair on my back has almost all but fallen out. I still have a few here and there that are white but they will go as well. I also started going to the pool 5 days a week working on getting my weight down to a more manageable area. in case you did not know that you should not be overweight for the surgery. SO I am working real hard swimming 1k or more a day. I am trying to get up to 1.6 which for Americans will be one mile a day. I am Tracking it on Fitbit as well. (if you can find me you can add me)

Though this month has been a bit more emotional than some of the past ones. You see I have shared care with my ex and the time with the children we do a 50/50 split and it is a week about basis. When the handover day comes and they leave I am shattered, I end up in bed tears flowing like mad. Though after a really good cry I am alright and the rest of the week goes fine but that cry has happened 3 times now. But I am sure this is very normal and nothing to be concerned about.

I did run into a weird problem that I went and talked to my healthcare professional about. I was woken up in the middle of the night with an erection that was very painful (btw erections are normal in humans). So I had to wait until it went away and it scared me a bit. This is due to the fact that on hormone blockers I normally don’t get them. On a scale of 1-10, it was about an 8. Which made it even more of a concern. When talking to my medical professional we looked at my levels and they were fine in fact they were really good. We also looked at the issue that it is a muscle and had not been used for some time and thus the pain. What should you take away from this simple go and be a regular at your doctor’s office during your transition?

I dropped into my social worker this month as well. I call it checking my six and I just empty the stuff that might be on my back and a bit hard to carry. It helps to do this.

Well like I said not much this month in changes…..But keep your eyes open, I am going to lose this weight…

Month 26

The only few things that have been changing are my boobs are still growing, losing weight, and hair growth. Not too much more fun. I am in the next few days going to add a new photo.

I was looking at a bit of my history when I came out of the shadows. I can see so much pain that is there at the time. My heart still aches for what others did and how they still believe they did the right thing.

I told one of my sisters this past month that I forgave her but I could not forget what she did. I told her “Goodbye” and requested that she not contact me again. I don’t think I could start to have my heart broken again by her. I am very shocked at how many people lose families due to trans issues. I started to look at my relationship with my family as a whole and the abuse of the past.
The way it still continues to this day just by the hands of my sisters, not my mother. I am very glad that I left them behind even though my heart is sad at the loss of them. My Birthday was only nice due to 4 people (my Nephew and my children) Then it was soothed by a wonderful group of very close friends. Who for several days wished me all the best. My dad forgot about me….again. Sometimes I wonder if I am a Ghost to him……

I am on a two-week break from the pool as they are cleaning it and fixing a few things. I miss swimming every day. But my last swim was 1.750km in 1.5 hrs….. so I am hoping I don’t lose too much time in two weeks I want 2 km.

Like I said not much has gone on…

Month 27

Well, it seems like life is teaching me a few new lessons. With HRT come changes that Transwomen are not told about. So has been the case this month. Let me break it down just a little for you.

Doctors…

It is so hard to find a real good one. One that does not judge and listens to your needs and wants. You may go through a few and it is best to ask around for advice on which ones are safe to work with. I did a lot of looking before this past week settling down and finding one that worked well and listened. I hope this will be a long-term relationship because I hate retelling my story over and over again.

Below the belt…. oops Waste line

I started having a new problem this past month and that was my “Parts” below have reduced in size to a point that it is a bit hard to use the restroom even while sitting down accidents happen… For this issue, you might want to make sure what little you might have is pointed downward. Shrinkage WILL happen and there is nothing you can do about it.

Weight loss…

I keep trying to throw it away but it seems to want to return a lot. I now am starting to understand Hormones and weight gain a bit better. Some women find it hard to gain while others find it hard to lose. I am at the stage where physical effort is not working as fast as it once did. So enter the doctor for help… I will update later…..

On a side note, Healing

Well, there will come a time and a point where a broken heart heals. Mine did this somewhere and I am not really sure. When my ex picked up the kids I did not even give a second look. In fact, something odd happened I looked at this person and wondered, Why? Why did I enter a relationship with you… It was so very odd and strange feeling. There was no malice or ill feelings in fact it was very devoid of them.

Employment…..EEEEKKKK!

Well, I know that I am a writer and I need to work on my book. But writers hit speed bumps called writer’s block. It sucks and you end up beating yourself to a pulp wondering why you can’t get over it. So I started to pull back a little on the writing side and see if I could get a part-time job. I have applied for so many jobs and I have been knocked back so many times it is not even funny. This last one I got knocked back for really took me off my feet a bit. I was MORE than qualified for it, I had plenty of experience and yet they still said no thank you. It hurt to be honest, in so much as I went and had a conversation with my good friend Vik. She told me that this was something that needed to be expected. I have a few things going against me, Age, Woman, Trans with kids. It is just a large thing for companies to deal with.
Look I know all about the law and hiring people sure it says you can’t base your hiring off those issues. But believe me, they do!…. I am still looking for a job and I hope to work on the book soon ideas are starting to flow a bit more.

Hey, Thanks for reading have a good one…. ❤

Month 28

Walking this path has been a very unusual walk. Some say the path to paradise is the path less traveled. When you look at it truer words cannot be found. I have noticed in myself the desire to keep walking this path. I had a bit of thought to take the easy path and detransition. But the thing I tell my children is to say what you mean and mean what you say. I looked at all the pain I went through in my life leading me to this point. The beauty of accepting who I am and what I am like is my paradise of peace within myself.

I am still having some weight problems and there is not much I can do about that. But my issues with my body hair are almost all gone. It is so nice not to freak out when I look at the mirror.  My Breast tissue has slowed to a snail’s pace. I am starting to look at surgery and what that will entail.

I do have some exciting news for those who are in the Tasmania region. A close friend of mine who works with the LGBT+ community might be opening up a private practice. I will let you know when I know more. This is really good news!

I changed my doctor this past month as well. I am very lucky that I found a very understanding LGBT doctor. So sometime in the next month I will be meeting with him and talking over a path I will be taking. Exciting times ahead…

Well, it has been a long, long, time.

I did not think that I needed to write much in here past that last month. As I was not seeing any further physical changes. Though in hiding sight there were still a lot of mental changes that took place. Ones that I thought were a concern but became a reality. I lost some friends and most of my Family. I also learned a huge amount about my family that I did not think would ever come to light. So for the most part, I am not sad they are gone. I am however disappointed that their choices lead to this issue.
Sadly a choice I made about 18 years ago became a punishment for my wrong choice. One that will last even after I am dead. But if we can forgive politicians, singers, and movie stars for their fuck ups, why can’t I? (Hey, an idea for a blog post) But you can pick and choose your friends but not your family.
I also made a choice in regards to my belief structure. I used to be a Mormon (Yup, there ya go….Breath, it will be alright). Needless to say it did not end well. But what followed was a huge eye-opening at what I thought was a path to a better place after I died. But one of the changes that took place was a connection that I could not have foreseen. I watched time and time again (so-called) Christians attacking the Trans community for nothing but the desire, to be honest, and alive. I have even been at the blunt end of the attack a couple of times. It hit me somewhere recently that maybe just maybe the Heaven these people seek is the heaven they will get and they will all be stuck with each other. Human nature when a person needs to find the wrongs in others they seem to do it over and over again. When that person, group, or thing (noun, lol) is no longer in the fashion they will find someone new to attack. I really think these (so-called) good people are going to be singing Hymns all the time with knives hidden behind their backs. To me, that is no heaven I want to be in. So, as I said I started to become spiritual and lean towards helping others and lifting where I could hold my head high and be proud of who I am. I know there are Mormons who will say we do this. Yeah, you do while all the time being passive-aggressive towards people not following your beliefs. Oh, who am I kidding this is done by so many churches I am sickened of it. I don’t get the door knockers anymore because they take one look at me and then the Elephant stands right behind me then I can see it on their faces (Poor sinner look).
I also learned that my views on right and wrong became more harmonious with others around me. I did not need to personally know someone to feel a connection. Where in the past I was kinda number to others’ emotions. Death of something rarely had an impact. Now, shit I cry at the drop of the hat and feel emotions that seem to have been dead in me.
The flavor of life has changed I would say for the better. I don’t miss the life I once had. In fact, the changes have been amazingly wonderful. This year I am going to turn. I don’t have any plans for the party and I really don’t think I need one. I am going to let it pass by and I will embrace my children (those that care). I don’t think I will make it to 100 it is just that feeling deep down inside. But my kids know that Burn me baby is my wish with some good friends and good music. Maybe some food for the party. But I have a long time before that happens and I am going to make the most of it. I will publish this year in 2019. It may be a cookbook but I am going to do it. I am really hoping for 2 other books to be published as well. Three in total, but who is counting.
Well until next time this is my timeline…..50 here I come!

Seven years

It seems like a long time since I started this journey for myself. There have been many changes in seven years. Yes, my breast tissue has stopped developing and I will be getting some reconstruction done. Covid stalled so many things in my plans. I did see a lot of regrowth in my hair. I have also seen a lot of changes in the way my face looks. Sadly my facial hair is still an issue requiring daily shaving. My hips are not wider as I also hoped. I was also hoping that with the changes in hormones my over chronic pain would lessen but that has not changed. Skin texture has changed for the better face wrinkles have smoothed out. My overall sense of taste has changed a lot over the years. I am still not a huge fan of Chocolate but I have noticed that there are times that I crave it (I cannot explain that yet.) Over the years flowers have never been my thing but when I get them for my daughter I feel lighter and enjoy the sense of them in the house.

I was worried that when I started my transition I would lose some connection with my children. It changed nothing over the years. I was worried that they might think we had nothing in common. The truth is that gender has NOTHING to do with the connection you have with your children. What does is the time and effort you put into their lives. That always proves to come back to you tenfold.

I have also seen my knowledge of transgender topics grow. As well as a willingness to stand up to the bullies and liars armed with the Truth that is backed up. I have seen so many who stop trying to go toe to toe with me when I put a pile of information in front of them. Sadly I still experience discrimination based upon being Transgender. Recently I have even been required to defend having Gender Dysphoria to the courts. I am still experiencing employment discrimination, most likely living in a small city.

I still hate the actions of those in my community that does the before and after transition photos. I know this is not part of my timeline. But dammit stop complaining that you are having difficulties with people accepting you as you are. When you post photos as you were. Yes, I know once on the internet always on the internet. So somewhere there are photos of me when I find them I try to get rid of them. I don’t even drag ones out of my photo storage. So I guess that is a pet peave.